You’re a fish. A real, actual fish. And yet, despite this deeply concerning development, life must go on.

Welcome to “Help! I’m a Fish!”, the Cave’s premier (and only) advice column for koi struggling to adjust to their new, finned existence! Have a question? A concern? A desperate plea for help about why you suddenly have the overwhelming urge to nibble on floating crumbs? Send in your worries, and our definitely qualified koi advice-givers will offer their best (or at least most entertaining) solutions.

Whether you’re struggling to communicate with fins, wondering if it’s socially acceptable to blow bubbles at strangers, or contemplating the mysteries of gill gas exchange, we’ve got you covered. Or we’ll make you feel less alone in your fishy confusion.

So, what’s troubling you, fellow fish? Write in today! Who knows—maybe we’ll all figure this out together. Probably. Hopefully.

…Okay, maybe not. But at least we can panic in solidarity.

This is an answer-a-question, ask-a-question activity! Your entry should contain:

• Advice to the question posted before yours
• A question about a silly or serious struggle your character is having with their new fish-self

• This activity runs from April 1st through 23:59 ST on April 15th.
• Each player can make up to two entries for this activity.
• AI generated writing is not permitted for this activity. The writing must be entirely your own work.

• Equippable items Flowing Bustle and Teal Aquatic Bubbles (up to 2 sets)
• A participation sticker will also be rewarded.

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Seeding the first question! :D

Dear Help! I’m a Fish!, I tried wearing the infamous bubble cape, but the current was too strong and it popped dramatically in front of all of my friends. How do I recover from such a fashion disaster?!

It was part of the act all along! What is a show without a simple bait-and-switch ( ;) ) and a wondrous display of fabric and natural fin that was absolutely intentional this entire time!!

My my dear, Help! I’m a Fish! For myself, (I try not to sound in vain), this “food”... I’m afraid this isn’t to my palette. How can I find myself adjusting to this?

‘Try adding a little sea salt to give it some flavor! If that’s not enough try mixing in some sand grit and letting these pellets soak over night for a nice brine.’

Dear Help I’m a Fish! There is a little golden box that keeps threatening to eat me every time I swim by! I’m pretty sure the bubbles it burps up are all that remains of its past victims! What can I do to not end up on it’s menu?!

“You can try as many as two options! The first one is to avoid her if she seems so dangerous! But…these bubbles seem so shiny, get some courage out of your reserves, there’s something shiny in the golden box! It glitters beautifully and goes well with the garden in your underwater house!”

Dear Help! I’m a Fish! What should I do if I keep forgetting what my dad looks like? My memory doesn’t store information for too long…

Visit your dad daily to remind yourself of what he looks like! Just don’t forget to remember to visit, or else you might for- uh wait, what were we talking about?

Dear Help!, I can’t shake this feeling that I’m meant for so much more than this small pond. I long for the big river, with its bustling currents and vibrant (aqua)culture! How am I supposed to be a big river fish in such a small backwater pond?

It can be difficult feeling like you’re destined for a big river but you’re stick in a small pond. The key is to keep a positive attitude! Or to hope for a very large bird to carry you to the river! For the latter, simply hang out near the surface and try to flag down a passing eagle-cab. You might end up dinner, or you might achieve your dream!

Dear Help! I’m a fish! I’d rather have a delicious pizza than the totally unhealthy breadcrumbs those weird shadow-gods keep throwing in our pond. How do I tell them to give me some extra cheese, stuffed crust? Or just communicate with them in general?

To communicate with the shadow-gods, the best bet you have is through visual symbols. You can buy a Game Lad for 15000 nuggets and pin it onto the floor. DO NOT let go of your Game Lad. You can control the Game Lad by slamming yourself at the buttons. When you have gotten the hang of the controls, you can open a menu in the Game Lad where you can enter text and write your thoughts in. Afterwards, you can let go of it and it should float towards the realm of the shadow-gods.

Dear Help! I’m a Fish!, how can I wear my pendant while swimming if I don’t have a neck? It just gets left behind…

“Good question! I have a lanyard that I wear at my fish job at the coral reef, doing fish things like blooping and glooping. It’s hard to keep it in place, but I’ve figured out a way. Try building up some sea slug goo around your neck and put the jewelry on. Do this a good hour before you’re meant to go out with your necklace. This should allow the necklace to set. It should be able to stick to your neck for a good six to eight hours afterward. If it’s not good enough, try adding more sea slug slime and letting it set longer until you get the results you need. Hope that helps!”

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Dear Help! I’m a Fish!,

I feel like my eyes aren’t quite like any other fish. They’re far larger and more… bulbous. They keep jiggling when I swim! Some of the other fish make fun of me. :( This isn’t about that, though. What baffles me is… how do I wear my reading glasses when my eyes are so wiggly jiggly doo?!?? Please help!!

Try mounting your glasses on a stand! Perhaps one that you can hold in your mouth, or a fin-held one with a longer arm if you prefer. That way, whenever you need to use your glasses, you can just hold them up in their stand and swim right up to them, and you’ll be seeing through them clear as crystal!

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Dear Help! I’m a Fish!, ever since gaining my scales, I’ve been craving my usual shot of espresso in the morning… but it turns out caffeine isn’t good for me in this form! Is there some kind of coffee I can drink? Or what can I use as a substitute? I’m falling asleep at work.

Well, one good thing about being a fish is that we no longer have eyelids, which means your boss would likely have a hard time telling whether an employee is sleeping, or just thinking really hard. So you should be fine, unless your job requires manual labor… In which case if you get accused of sleeping, maybe just say you were just trying to figure out how to pick up your tools since you no longer have any hands. A lack of eyelids makes it much harder for anyone to PROVE you were sleeping.

Dear Help! I’m a fish!,
How do I let certain people know I’m judging them when I no longer have any eyebrows with which to express my distain? I would prefer not to have to verbally communicate with these individuals as I do not wish to get close enough for them to drag me into their poor decisions. Last time that happened I had to buy a whole new wardrobe because all my clothes ended up covered in greenish-purple spots… As did my hair, and skin. It was quite a mess and I don’t wish to repeat it.

What one can do when facial expressions fail them and language won’t suffice is to use body language instead. Simply shoo them away with a flap of your fin, or turn your head and close your eyes as you pass them. As one precluded to judging as well, I am well versed in ways to show it. One of my favorite methods is to simply turn around and swim away. However, if you can’t go in a different direction, then the aforementioned methods will do as well.

Dear Help! I’m a fish!, I’m having trouble adjusting to my new diet. Normally, I eat a healthy dose of large cheeseburger with a shake and nuggets, but I no longer have teeth or the ability to digest those things. I’m struggling to find food suitable for my delicate new constitution. Any help helps!

Finding food to eat in a new body you’re unaccustomed to is surely tough, but lucky for you being transformed into a koi means a whole new realm of foods to try and enjoy! Koi eat all sorts of bugs, worms, a which are a great source of protein if you’re someone who wants to try something new, but still savory and meaty like a hamburger. Yum! Wriggly worms!  However if that’s not your thing you can also eat more familiar foods like shrimp, peas, watermelon, and lettuce.

(Fun fact!: Koi do in fact have teeth! Pharyngeal teeth!)

Dear Help! I’m a Fish!,
In my new fishy fin-y body I’m worried about getting eaten by fish and other animals bigger than myself! What should I do stay out of sight from their hungry eyes? Are there any ways for me to blend in?

Oh that’s an easy one, just try to eat them before they eat you! It surely won’t go poorly! Aaah, but if that doesn’t end well, make sure you hide up in as many plants as you can, they’ll protect you and may even tangle the other fish up in them.

Dear help! I’m a fish!, How am I typing if I have find and not hands? I don’t understand it and I would very much like to. How am I communicating, here? How are any of us communicating here?

Communication does not always have to be done through means of verbal sounds or typed words! Humans have set up fish to be able to control robots and computers - you must have been super lucky to end up in one of these tanks where you can type! In my case, I found a laptop at the bottom of a mostly dried river bed! Don’t ask me how it’s still working… I’m just a fish.

Dear Help! I’m a fish! I just read a book where a human transmigrated into the body of a koi. He had a system that talked to him and kept him entertained! Plus he was set up all nicely in a palace! Why don’t I have a system? It’s really lonely down here!!

Loneliness is a universal feeling - but you’re not really alone here ( we’re communicating somehow in mysterious fish ways ).
Chat with us ! Make some friends ! Maybe we can all pretend to be your system !!
We can’t set you up in a palace though - I think that goes above our new-found carp-abilities capabilities.

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Dear Help ! I’m a fish !
I actually didn’t mind this new simple fish life - it was really chaotic at first but now I’ve just accepted my new fish-existence. Then I started to get this urge to swim wayyyyy downstream into the unknown part of the waters but I’m scared that I won’t be able to swim back ! But there’s so many pretty trees over there… But what about the friends that I have here ? What should I do ?

I think your problem is simple.  Invite your friends to come explore with you! If they say no, then swim downstream toward the trees, anyway.  You could make plenty of new, more adventurous friends!  That urge to explore is a good thing, don’t ignore it!  You might find something even better than the same old pond you’re used to, if you’re willing to take a risk.

Dear Help! I’m a fish! I notice how pretty the scales are of all the fish around me.  And that’s great!  But I feel like that must mean my scales also have pretty colors and patterns on them!  But how can I see them?  There don’t seem to be any mirrors down here in the pond that I’ve found.  And if I try to jump out of the water to see my reflection, the surface of the pond is far too disturbed with the ripples of all these other fish.  How can I get a glance of my own fabulous scales?

Signed, Am I Beautiful?

Oh, darling, your scales are just gorgeous! I think you should just love your beautiful scales. I can help you find a mirror later, or we could make one ourselves from something from the bottom of the lake. I’m sure there’s something there, and you won’t have to risk admiring herself.

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Dear Help! I’m a fish! In fact, my problem is terrible!!! I used to wear beautiful furs and they complemented my look to be beautiful. Now the fur looks terrible underwater and dries my scales very much, blocking all its shine under the directed light. What should I do about it?? Without my capes, I don’t look as beautiful as the others!

Oh, that’s a simple answer! What’s a fur to a fish? Scales, of course! If you switch your lovely fur capes to ones made out of gorgeous scales, then they won’t be ruined under the water or get soggy and weigh you down. Plus, then you can mix and match to better compliment your new fishy form!

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Dear Help! I’m a fish! I have a terrible problem! I love my new fishy look, but this fast current is kicking up so much sand and dirt from the riverbed I can barely admire my new gorgeous scales and beautiful fins! Is there anything I can do to make sure I shine my brightest even in such a harsh place?

Dearest fish, that is a sign! Bare yourself to the sand and dirt, its an all natural mud bath. Twirl and swirl up through the stems of the lotus plants and there… still your heart as the waters around you calm. And there it shall be, the sunlight hitting your new scales and all shall be delighted by your presage of beauty!

Just remember… duck deep to avoid delicious dish for those feathered beasts, and stay delightful… Happy swimming!
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Dear Help! I’m a fish! We are twins and we uphold our vows. I teach to breath in, my twin teaches to let go… but now I cannot breath in (I drown in air!) and my twin has let go of all their spots! Can someone explain to us the ways of water and koihood?

Regards, the no-longer-twins twin koi

Your answer can be found in a classic adage: “do as I say, not as I do”. If your vows to teach must be upheld, you needn’t practice what you preach! You may also learn new ways of inspiring others with a little experimentation. Perhaps breathing in through different orifices in unfamiliar mediums will be a source of inspiration. After all, it seems that your twin has taken letting go to a whole new level! Try embracing your new form by putting those gills to good work; the ways of water and koihood can come quite naturally as long as you go with the flow.

Dear Help! I’m a fish!, I have always had a petrifying fear of heights. When I swim near the surface, the ground feels frighteningly far away! I think I might just drift right out into the sky and be lost forever. But when I swim deeper, the water feels terribly cold away from the warmth of the sun. What can I do to feel more comfortable navigating these unfamiliar depths?

This is indeed a problem, my fishy friend! Have you considered wrapping yourself in a lovely seaweed sweater to keep away the chill? Alternatively, you could tie a ribbon around a fin to keep you anchored and from floating into the sky. Either way, don’t worry! I’m certain you’ll be able to find a way to overcome your fears.

Dear Help! I’m a fish!, I have a significant issue! I adore being a fish and everything that comes with it— the scales, the bubbles, etc. However, I recently encountered a fish that looks just like me, and it’s unsettled my fishy life. They only appear in a shiny piece of glass, which is already weird enough! They also won’t reply to any of my communication attempts, and it’s freaking me out. Is there something I’m doing wrong when talking to them?

Fear not! Some fish are just awkward! With time and care, perhaps you two will soon become fast friends! And if they continue to copy, copy, copy(!!!) remember that imitation is flattery! Are they flirting? Maybe!!

Dear Help I’m a fish! Bubble rings. How? I can only do regular bubbles.

Bubble rings are hard to do - I , too , can only do regular bubbles so you are not alone here !
Maybe we can befriend a dolphin to teach us ?
Or maybe a group of us can group into a circle and make a ring of bubbles instead !
Many bubble experiments have to be done…

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Dear Help! I’m a fish!
This new fish life is not so bad but I’m starting to feel like I’m missing some of my old hobbies !
I used to do all sorts of art but I can’t figure out how to do art with these fins !!
How can I draw on various papers , if they melt ?
How am I possibly going to be able to express myself creatively when I can’t even hold my tools ?
Please help !!

Ahh, as a fellow artist, I understand your woes! But it is time to adapt and enjoy the tide! The tools of beauty gather around you in the shapes of stones, shells, corals, pearls and the many bits and bobs the shadows above release upon the pond. Its a time to be bold, to leave your mark on the sand and on our current short memories… well, that doesn’t… I mean… hey at least none of us can close our eyes, so you will have the attention of all. XD

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Dear Help! I’m a fish!, this new fish life is uncomfortable. As a Mycenian, I would trek daily to the pond… to fish. Long gone are the days of finding trash and fish, for now I live amongst it all. What does a fish fish?

It sounds like your routine was very important to you. I’m sorry it was interrupted by our new fishiness, but you can still fish! All you need to do is find smaller fish. Now that you have fins of your own, you can explore to find all the best hiding spots where minnows hide. Maybe you can make a new routine out of it.

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Dear Help! I’m a Fish!,
I am used to finding my way around by looking at street names or landmarks, but now that we’re underwater I can’t find anything! How do I find my friends? How do I find my house? How do I find the bathroom?

        Learning one’s way around a new area can be quite confusing. The signs and landmarks we were once use to, are gone. So, our option now, is to create new ones. Think of it this way, you and others are new explorers of this uncharted water. You must make your own signs and landmarks for yourselves and others. Just like our ancestors once had to do on land. It will take time and work, but it will help you and others swim forward in this new fishy life. So, swim and create your new signs and landmarks for this underwater world!

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Dear Help! I’m a Fish!,
        Deep water and I have never really been friends. I greatly fear what ls in those deep waters, especially when there are things sunken from land! I use to be able to avoid it, but now I have to live in it! How, do I become more conformable with this new underwater life?

It’s natural to fear the unknown. And well, deep water can be scary. In the shallows you only have to worry about what’s above and around you - but deep water you really have a lot of directions underneath to worry about suddenly as well. My best advice is bring a friend (or a dozen!) and be ever vigilant. It’s may be dangerous to go alone into unfamiliar territory and a school of fish always has better odds to outwit danger than one fish alone. Taking smaller risks and paying attention to what’s around you so you can react well, I think, is the key to gaining confidence in new places.

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Dear Help! I’m a Fish!, I find myself increasingly drawn to hang out with other fish… this is worrisome because I have a feeling I used to avoid people? But now everytime I see a group of koi passing by, I find myself following along with them. Is this a weird faux pas? Are they thinking I’m a creep? I see other fish doing it too but maybe, I don’t know, they’re friends already?

It’s common to go through life in stages, some more lonely than others! There’s no harm in enjoying your own company, but adding other fish to the mix can be the spice that makes life taste great. Not to mention—it’s a natural instinct to want to shoal, and we can promise that no one is giving you a fishy look when you approach them. Mind your manners, ask some questions, and voilà! The pearl of friendship can be sitting in the center of your oyster world.

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Dear, Help! I’m a Fish! I feel increasingly awkward about my new fishy body. Like, is this slime coat normal? Should I be getting that checked out? And my new fins drape, like, a lot. Are fin trims a thing? I also feel inclined to chase bright lights, but that’s kind of normal—I used to be a cat ineki—is there any sort of New Fish Manual I’m missing?

Sincerely,
Fish Body 101

Greetings dear friend! A slime coat for fish is quite cool, you don’t have to worry. (you need to worry if it’s not there). Unfortunately, there is no fish guide for us, but I will give you some good advice! Enjoy the atmosphere around you, because a change of scenery after a hard winter won’t hurt anyone!

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Dear, Help! I’m a Fish! My husband writes me letters very often, but it is so difficult for me to write answers. Would it be a good idea to call him, because our daughter misses him so much?