Even though you may not feel the urge to return to your place of birth, a trip with friends is always enjoyable! If you go with them, you won’t have to be alone, and I’m sure they’d appreciate the company - plus, who knows what kind of things you’ll get to see along the way!

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,
I’ve been having a wonderful time as a fish so far, getting to swim around all day, watching the sun reflect on my scales, but there’s one thing I’ve been having an issue with…I can’t seem to find a comfortable way to sleep! No matter what I do, I always get woken back up by the movement of the water or other creatures around me, and if I manage to sleep for more than an hour, I find myself in a completely new location! Does anyone have any sleep tips?

What you need, friend, is a nice little sleeping hole off the side of the main cavern! You can try finding a natural one, but you’ll probably have better luck tracking down a good smooth stretch of earth and then digging in under the bank, so you can get the place just right for yourself. I recommend angling it downwards, too, to keep the pesky current from carrying you back out – and you can hang the entrance with some pretty waterweeds once you’re all finished! That’ll help muffle any noise from outside, and give you some privacy as a nice bonus!

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,
I can cope with most things about this new fishy existence, but there’s one thing that’s driving me to absolute distraction: books! See, I like nothing better than to curl up with a good paperback whenever I can snatch a spare few moments, but books just don’t mix with water! What am I to do? How can I read when my poor dear novels need to be kept dry, and will turn into sad little clumps of pulp if I try getting them brought to me in this river?

Try looking for waterproof paperbacks! If you have any former Kelph friends, they may have some they’re willing to lend you. Also, pay a visit to your local koibrary! Librarians often know a few charms for protecting books from the environment. And if you’re like me - I had some trouble with the fin dexterity to turn pages - you should check out their audiobook collection, too! Bottom Feeder Reader makes some great recordings :)

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Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,

Despite several koilinary experiments, I still can’t figure out a palatable way to serve algae. I’ve tried it mixed with pond grass, garnished with breadcrumbs, and even topped with fish flakes (is that cannibalism?), but I just can’t find anything I enjoy eating. Do you have any suggestions for novel preparations, or perhaps a cookbook recommendation?

Hungry as a Piranha

Here’s a suggestion! I’ve found I can try preparing it just like I would in place of similar greens like seaweed or spinach! One of my current favorites is algredo (algae-alfredo), which I mix right in with the sauce! Plus, I’ve found I love pasta so much more now that I’ve realized that it reminds me of soggy breadcrumbs!

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Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,
Do fish have birthdays? Because I’d like cake or at lease some way to celebrate with my fishy-friends. On that note are there new ways to celebrate birthdays??

Fish have birthdays just like any egg-laying species has birthdays.  Birds sometimes call them hatchdays, but the concept is the same.  Fish enjoy a good birthday cake but be diligent in checking those food labels!  Some food marketed as ‘fish cakes’ are cakes MADE OF fish, not FOR fish.  Although of course some fish do eat other fish…  Ask your birthday fish (or their friends/family if it’s a surprise) what they prefer!

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!
I remember hearing an old wive’s tale about tuning pianos…something about tuning fish?  Well, I desperately need my piano tuned, even though I don’t have fingers to play it.  Trust me this is important.  What precautions should I be aware of when I tuna piano?

What a great question! When you tuna piano, you need to be very cautious of the bass. Those long lines can snag awfully easy, you see. HOWEVER, bass is extremely critical when it comes to playing your scales. Though, I suppose…since you won’t be playing it, that’s not too awfully important. At least make sure to tune it in the key of Sea! Anything else just won’t do, it will sound all sorts of garbled!

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,
I’ve heard a lot of talk about living with snails. I’ve heard that they can be pretty messy and often have friends over for long parties. I am rooming with a few of them at the moment, and I’m a bit worried already. They are a bit messier than I am used to, and sleep really late. I suppose my question is, how do I set firm boundaries with them moving forward? I just want to be sure that this rooming situation works out. I don’t have anywhere else to stay!

Worry not! Even though snails may stay up into the wee hours, they tend to be very quiet roommates. They love slumber parties and are very laid back. Investing in a good mop and some goo gone might also be a good idea. Snails will happily follow set paths, so all you have to do is let them know where not to slime, and all should be well.

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!
My nose itches! D: And my fins won’t help at all! What do I do?!

Your fins may not be able to help you, but this is where your environment comes into play! The coral reef is full of wonderful abstractions of plantlife that are perfect for rubbing up against until the itch is satisfied! Just be careful you don’t knock any scales loose….
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Dear Help, I’m a fish!
I haven’t been able to eat seafood in such a long time, and now I’m surrounded by other fish… would it be wrong if I just…

rules dont say i cant doublepost

Dear reader,
Please do not commit cannibalism, but feel free to indulge in some shrimp! Or worms, if you prefer. Koi can eat a lot of things. I don’t recommend other fish, however.
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Dear Help, I’m a fish!
I was supposed to go on a date today - what do I do now that I’m a fish?!

Reader,

Don’t despair! Being a fish doesn’t necessarily knock you out of the romantic running!  Some people like fish! Also, do you know if this potential romance-ee is also a fish?  If so, great! If not, let’s get creative.  If you have time, you can construct a costume of your former self that you can control whilst on the date from a fishbowl secured inside the head.  It may seem deceptive, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  You could also enlist the help of some magical being and turn the other person into a fish as well! Then, you can have a perfect little fish date and everyone will be happy.

Alternatively, you could just ask for a rain-check and wait to see if your fishiness wears off? 

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,

The color of the gravel in my fishtank is sooooo last season.  But now that I’m a fish, I cannot access any interior decorating magazines to see what is in this season!!! What would be a good look for my space?  And how do I communicate my desires to the folks who would do the redecorating…

Classic pearlescent and grey gravel is always in style! When in doubt, turn to the traditional. Investing in a good waterproof subscription service might be a challenge, but in this modern age, anything is possible. Using your tail to toss gravel out of the water is a good, if somewhat blunt way to get the point across. But learning the fine art of bubble language may be more productive in the long run. Just remember, everything comes back in style eventually! So do not despair if your current decor is a little retro. It will inevitably be hip again when the tides turn!

Dear Help, I’m a fish!
I never learned how to swim! What do I do?! How can I possibly keep up at school like this? I’m afraid I’m gong to fall behind! D:

No worries my fellow fishy friend, I’m sure everyone at school will be accommodating. They’re also dealing with the same difficulties, and I expect they’ll be empathic about your situation. If you do want to learn how to swim better though, I hear there is a brand new swim school that just opened up down the road. They’re probably swimming in cash right now…

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Dear Help I’m a Fish
I want to eat my favorite foods, but they keep dissolving in water! I’ll buy a loaf of bread from the bakery, but by the time I’ve swam home, it’s just a sad pile of mush in my bag :(
What can I do about this?? Or do I simply have to swear off certain foods until this whole fish thing wears off?

Why that sounds just awful, fish! Sounds like you need to take that bread and just devour it in store! Can’t dissolve if it’s not there anymore! Sometimes you can’t do much but just roll with the punches, we’re all hopeful that one day this fish thing will wear off, but until then… well, actually, maybe you can bring a little canister of air with you when you buy the bread and then pop the bread in a bag and fill it with some air so it’s water tight, so to speak! Of course when you open it at home you’ll have a limited time to eat it, but at least for a couple bites it’ll still be fresh and tasty! Hope that helps!

^{Dedicated to Prose who inspired the question, hahahaha}

Dear Help, I’m a fish!,

I have this friend, who is definitely not me, who is currently stuck in work when all they want to do is go outside in the sea and play! Already my their boss has waggled their fins at me my friend! They’ve told me that if I try to sneak out one more time then they’d tie up my friend’s tail into a knot and let me tell you I don’t have much going for m…my friend has not much going for them other than their beautiful tail! Also my friend’s boss is a barracuda and I’m a little scared… Please help!

Well, that’s certainly a dilemma for you—I mean, your friend, of course. Your boss is a barracuda all right, barring you your friend from living their life! Honestly, though, I bet they’re more bark than bite. What fish doesn’t understand the desire to be free and just keep swimming, swimming on a day like this! I think your friend shouldn’t sneak around but instead, proudly wave their beautiful tail and swish into freedom. Their boss will definitely understand, and they will definitely still have a job tomorrow. Trust me, I’m a fish!

Dear Help! I’m a fish!,

Honestly, I’m taking pretty well to this new aquatic life! My scales are glistening, I’ve never been more hydrated in my life, and I’m getting in such a great full-body workout swimming everywhere. The only thing is, and I’m sure this is just a bit of silliness I shouldn’t worry about, but… but well, I can’t help but notice that my fins are rather small compared to my body! I see other fish with long, elegant fins, and they look so graceful, and I’m embarrassed to say I feel a bit, well… squat, I suppose! How can I get over this fin-consciousness?

Seeing all of the new fish in the pond is always fun, but it can certainly make you start noticing your differences from other fish, and it can be easy to start worrying about traits they have that you don’t! But to tell you the truth, they’re probably thinking the same thing about you! Maybe your scales are brighter or shinier, maybe you swim faster, maybe you’re better at finding the best plants to eat… It’s always good to take a step back and think about not what makes you different, but what makes you special! And don’t worry, your fins are still gorgeous, big or small!

Dear Help, I’m a Fish!,
I’ve noticed how some fish like to swim upstream, against the current - something that’s very interesting to watch! However, well…I tried it myself a few days ago, and it’s SO much harder than it looks! I couldn’t seem to get myself even a little bit forward - in fact, I’m pretty sure I ended up further back from the place I started… Maybe my fins just aren’t made for that kind of exercise, but still, I’d like to ask: Does anyone have any tips for becoming a stronger swimmer?

Being strong enough to swim against the current takes a lot of practice. I recommend trying slower currents and practicing with them. They’re more forgiving than the super intense rivers the others can swim against. Actually…I need to practice swimming against the current too, so let’s do it together!

Dear Help! I’m a fish!, what do you recommend as the best spot to nap during the day? The sun is so bright sometimes, and i don’t want to be bothered by others when I’m trying to catch some midday zzzs! I used to sleep under the shade of trees, but sometimes they drop leaves and sticks on my head. It’s super annoying!

Personally, I like resting along the banks of the pond under the ferns and other overgrowth. Sure, leaves fall off of them sometimes, and sure, sometimes your nap is interrupted by a large, hungry feline, but the cool, rocky shallows just can’t beat! Another nice part is that there’s almost no current, so you won’t wake up in a different place than you started in!

...Maybe don’t tell too many other fish though

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Dear Help I’m a Fish

I’m having a bit of a… coordination problem. You see, I’m not too used to moving around the world with fins instead of feet, and it’s making it rather hard for me to swim around and avoid obstacles. I keep running into all manner of things, such as rocks, lilypad stalks, and, well, other fish. It makes for a rather awkward situation when you run into your neighbor. Does anyfish know how to deal with this?